So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I love you.
Bad choice
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
