"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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