We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
