I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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