It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
