you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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