Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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