There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
pop tarts are not kleenex
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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