U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
