he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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