last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
