Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Drake has all the answers
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
