this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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