The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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