shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
