I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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