I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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