Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
