you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
