so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I can text with my tongue
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
