i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
did you just send me my own nude
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
