he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
