Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
