I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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