I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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