she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
