We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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