i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
