He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
