I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
