if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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