No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
