I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
