I wish my penis had an off switch
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
