Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
