he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
