So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
