alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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