I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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