I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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