I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
