I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
