He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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