Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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