Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
COCAINE IS GR8
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
