i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
