you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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