why didn't you poke me back
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
