I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
