I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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