I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
